By Way of Autumn Read online

“Not my little guy,” He grabbed Tag’s hand. “My God is he fevered. Tag…Tag…”

  “He hasn’t responded all…”

  “Hey… Sam…” Tag replied soft and slow. “Can’t work today.”

  “It’s okay, you just rest and get well.”

  Tag’s lips were swollen from the fever and with a pout, he nodded and closed his eyes again.

  Sam’s face turned beet red and it looked as if every muscle around his mouth tensed up. He twitched his head to the right, wiped his hand under his nose and stood up. “What the fuck?” he said with angry emotion.

  I couldn’t speak. My throat was swollen. “I’m sorry.”

  “Something is not right. How did he get sick? We kept him away.”

  “Bill, Millie. We were around them.” I said. “They were around others.”

  “You’re not sick.”

  “Doesn’t matter, some people get it some don’t. Doctor Stanley said I am still at risk.”

  “But you don’t care,” he said.

  “Not at all.”

  He placed his hand on the back of my head and brought his lips to my forehead. “I’m sorry. I am.”

  “I know.”

  “I came over to check on you and give news, but now is not the time.”

  “What news?”

  Sam exhaled heavily, “I know you didn’t want to move Jeff. But, Tess, those flames are gonna roll over those mountains and blast this town with a vengeance. By day after tomorrow, it will heat up.”

  “That doesn’t make sense. A wall of fire and we aren’t feeling it now.”

  Sam shrugged. “I don’t know what to tell you. From what I heard on the radio, the flames will roll in. Heat will increase right before they get here and last transport leaves Glendale on the eighteenth at six in the morning. It’s some sort of unnatural phenomenon, how it’s happening. Right now it’s all still a guessing game.”

  I really didn’t have a response. I took in his information, nodded and thanked him. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to think about it.

  We were being blasted by devastation any way you looked at it. Things were moving unexpectedly, unlike any science community could predict.

  Maybe I was right in thinking that there was a God. Hearing the way things were playing out, the phrase unnatural phenomenon, made me think there was a God and more than likely, he was done with us.

  THIRTY-ONE - SAILOR’S DELIGHT

  In the little over thirty hours since my physical loss, my body began to feel better. I pulled some clothes from my bottom drawer. Something with a waist that had give, because my belly was still tender and swollen.

  Dr. Stanley had returned to give us a quick lesson in intravenous fluids. But Josh was well aware of how to do so, he learned in the service. After placing the shunt into Tag’s arm, he ran an bag of fluids into him to keep him hydrated.

  It was bad enough he was sick, he didn’t need to suffer any more by becoming dehydrated.

  Tag still lay in the same spot of the bed, his spot. He was on his side facing the door. Nicole sat next him, close to the bed, holding his hand and placing her face close to his.

  She just stared at him. I could only imagine her thoughts, what went through her mind, her fears. Her pain. Yet, her face was calm and emotionless. In a sense I envied her. I wore my pain like a badge. One I couldn’t hide.

  I sat up in bed, needing to go check on Jeff. “I’m proud of you, Nicole.”

  “Don’t be,” she said with a weakened voice. “I have missed so much of his life because of my stupidity. And now… I’m never going to have the chance to share the rest of his life.”

  “He loves you,” I told her. “He loves you so much.” I stood and walked around to her side of the bed. “You are so strong right now. I don’t know how you’re doing it.”

  “I’m not, Marmie. I’m dying inside. Every ounce of me is dying inside.”

  “I leaned down, wrapping my arms around her. “I wish with all my heart there was something I could tell you, do for you, to take away the pain. None of this makes sense.”

  “It never will.”

  “You’re right. It never will.” She squeezed my arms,

  After kissing her, I walked into the next bedroom. We had moved Jeff into there. He, like Tag was connected to an IV bag for fluids. There was a horrible smell in the room, one I could not pinpoint. He slept in a medicated state, totally unaware, yet his body twitched and arms grabbed for his skin. I had placed socks over his hands to keep him from ripping open his flesh. The sores wouldn’t heal and they spread across this body.

  Did he even know we were losing Tag too?

  I wanted to wake him and tell him, but he didn’t need any more grief.

  I checked the sheet on Jeff, then opened the window the widest it would go. Not that it would make a difference. The temperature didn’t drop as it did the night before.

  I needed some water, and knew there was some downstairs. I was just about to head that way when I heard the knock on the door.

  Julie came out of her room. “Want me to get that?”

  “No, I’m heading down. Go to sleep.” I said and walked down the stairs.

  Surprisingly, Reverend Ray was at the door. He held a box.

  I pushed open the screen door and stepped out. “What brings you here?”

  “I um, wanted to bring the rest of the saline solution for the IV’s.” He said and opened the screen door, placing the box directly inside. He nervously wiped his hands on his pants. “Thought you know, you and Jeff and…” he cleared his throat. “Tag would need them.”

  “Thank you. You don’t need them?”

  “I have what I need. I won’t be needing any more come this time tomorrow.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Everyone is pretty sick at the church. I’ll have no reason to stay when the last passes. Unless you need me to stay.”

  I shook my head. “No, you go. How…how can you be so sure they’re going to die?”

  “I’ve been watching this thing, this...flu for days. A good day and a half at the high fever and cough and then … then the Lord takes them.”

  I scoffed a laugh and walked by him on the porch.

  “Tess, I know you are in pain,” he said. “I know you are carrying the burden but now is not the time to scoff in the face of faith.”

  “Faith,” I laughed. “No, Ray, right now is the time to do so.”

  “Tess…”

  “I had a great grandmother, she was ninety.” I shrugged. “For as long as I could remember, even when she was younger, she would say, ‘well, so and so is pregnant, might be my time to go’.” I leaned against the porch railing. “The Lord gives a life and takes a life. That crossed my mind when my parents were killed in that home invasion. My cousin Claire had her twins the next day. The Lord gives, the Lord takes…seems as though lately, he keeps on taking.”

  He placed on his virtual preacher hat, and stepped to the edge of the porch. “I think of our ancestors before us and the trials and tribulations they faced. I imagine they were in this mindset. Feeling at such a loss when things around them, people around them, died. Bubonic plague, Spanish Flu.”

  “I’m sure none of them faced something as epic as this.”

  “I’m sure it was to them, and I’m sure Noah would argue that.”

  Again, I released another ridiculing laugh. “Yeah, you think God’s cleansing the earth.”

  “He might be.”

  “Yeah, well, if there is a God…”

  “Tess, come on. You always have faith.”

  “I did. But now I wonder. And if he is cleansing the earth, then why?”

  “Man does some things that aren’t good.”

  “Some men are not good,” I argued. “It’s like wiping out a whole town because one person is a killer. It’s judging the whole world.”

  “I don’t think this is part of God’s plan.”

  “If it’s not then what is he waiting for? If He is
so almighty, why hasn’t he stepped in?”

  “How do you know He hasn’t? You can’t give up.”

  “Are you saying there’s a miracle around the corner?”

  “You never know. Have faith.”

  “I lost my child, my husband is close to dying and so is Tag. If there’s a miracle, it needs to come now.”

  “You can’t put…” Suddenly Reverend Ray stopped talking and he moved to the edge of my porch staring out.

  I was about to ask him to finish when I saw that his attention was drawn elsewhere. I walked to the edge of the porch to join him and that was when I saw what he did. What had taken the words from his mouth. The entire lower portion of the western sky was bright red.

  Red sky at night sailors delight was the old saying. But that sky didn’t scream delight, it screamed something more ominous. To me, it quite simply screamed…the end.

  THIRTY-TWO - GOOD LIFE

  July 16

  There was no way to count how many times I had heard someone tell me, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” That never made sense to me, until I pushed the limits of what I believed was my own mortality. Without a doubt, I felt as if I were dying.

  I wasn’t well. I didn’t have energy or passion.

  Sleep wasn’t in the cards for me and I made Nicole get some sleep. She did, laying next to her son in my bed. I took her chair and went back and forth between Tag and Jeff. Trying to divide my time equally, trying to get what I could from the time I had left with both of them.

  It didn’t make sense.

  Jeff arrived back home sick and I watched him slowly deteriorate over the last couple days.

  Tag was another story.

  Healthy and fine one second, running around playing and the next he was in some sort of fever limbo. Opening his eyes only briefly and giving us just a taste of him before he slipped away again. There was a sense of it being surreal, as if I were waiting for the switch to flip, for Tag to say he was feeling better and then all would be right with the world.

  That was my fantasy.

  Somewhere just after the light of morning, Jeff entered a rare lucid state. He looked bad, sounded and smelled bad. Despite everything, his spirits were good. Another reason I didn’t want to tell him about Tag.

  Because of the orange hue he asked if it were evening. I told him it wasn’t, he accepted that then asked me to pack a pipe.

  “Jeff, really?”

  “Yeah,” he said. “I don’t have much time, Tess. I’m fighting it. I feel that.”

  “Maybe you are getting better.”

  “Nah, can you get my pipe. I think I want to meet my maker stoned.”

  “Par for the course,” I told him. “You met everyone else in your life stoned.”

  “I did, didn’t I?” He smiled.

  The smile was good to see.

  I had brought his stash up from the weed room and packed his pipe for him. I had to light it; his fingers were too weak to work the lighter.

  He hit his pipe, coughed, and then hit it again. “I had a good life with you, Tess. Tell me you had a good life, too.”

  “I had a good life, too,” I said. “I’m sorry that I told you I was so unhappy.”

  “I knew you weren’t. I just think you didn’t know what happiness was.”

  He was right. I did now. I was happy. I just didn’t recognize it. I had it all. And now I was losing it all.

  There was an abominable sense of sadness and loss in that room, one that wasn’t dampened by his marijuana induced state. For the first time in days he asked for water. He said he was thirsty and I was glad to oblige.

  “I’ll be right back,” I told him. “Want me to take that?” I asked in reference to the pipe.

  “Nah, I’m good.”

  I made my way to the kitchen and when I entered, Josh was there along with Julie. She held Liam on her hip. Immediately, I felt bad.

  “Julie, honey, I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to make you take care of the baby.”

  “It’s okay.” She approached the counter. Her eyes were red and she looked sad, almost scared. “Marmie, please don’t get mad.”

  “What is it?”

  “I know Daddy is sick. I know Tag is sick. But…it’s happening soon, Marmie. Are….are we going to leave?”

  My heart sunk.

  I had been concentrating on those who were dying and didn’t stop to think about those still alive. My daughter was still alive and was expressing that she didn’t want that to change.

  My eyes lifted to Josh. “Is everything ready to go?”

  “Yes,” he nodded. “Last transport leaves less than two days from right now.”

  “They’re taking people east,” Julie said. “Trying to help people survive. If we run out of gas we need to allow ourselves time to walk. I know you don’t want to think about it. But I have to know if we are leaving.”

  I breathed out. “Then what?” I asked. “We pack up, we make a transport, we go east, then what?”

  Josh simply replied. “Live.”

  To me, at that second, all I could think about was if it was worth living. The world was going to struggle to survive. Battling illness, the unnatural phenomenon that was taking place. If we lived, how long would it be? What kind of life would it be?

  Did I have the right to make that decision for my daughter, Josh or Liam?

  Just as I was about to express my feelings, I heard Jeff call my name.

  It was a calm, rational call. Like he had done many times. Almost as if he were calling me to take a look at something.

  “Tess.”

  “Excuse me.” I said. After grabbing water, I made my way back upstairs.

  When I entered the room, Jeff was laying on his back, He lifted the pipe for me to take it.

  I reached for it.

  “Tess, can you get the girls?”

  “What for?” I asked.

  “I…I want to say goodbye.”

  Fingers holding that pipe, my eyes locked on to his. The color of his pupils were gone and his eyes had taken on a grayish appearance.

  “I’m ready to go,” he said.

  My stomach twitched and my head immediately filled with blood. I could hear it rushing through my ears.

  “Get the girls, Tess.”

  As I pulled my hand back, he grabbed it,

  “I love you,” he said.

  “I love you, too, Jeff.” I placed the pipe on the table and walked to the door. I paused to look back at him.

  He rested back, yet didn’t close his eyes. In fact he looked as if he fought to keep them open. It was time, I sensed it and knew it. There was a foreboding essence that lingered in the house.

  His short span of hard suffering was about to come to an end.

  The first person I sought was Julie. She didn’t want me to hear what she was discussing with Josh. That was obvious, she immediately silenced and looked awkward when I walked in.

  “Marmie?” She questioned and looked at me.

  “Let Josh take Liam. Come say goodbye to your father.”

  Julie, my strong Julie, whimpered upon hearing my words and then I walked back upstairs.

  Before Julie could get there, I walked into Jeff’s room and to him. I grabbed his hand. “I’m going to get Nicole, then sit with Tag so you can be with the girls. Okay?”

  He nodded. “Thank you for our years.”

  I leaned down and kissed him softly, then brought my lips to his ears and whispered. “I’m not far behind you. Wait for me. Look for me.”

  He exhaled heavily and tightened the grip on my hand. I felt his strength, I felt his sadness, and then as hard as it was, I pulled my hand from his.

  I knew. I just knew as I stood in the doorway looking back at him, that it would be the last time I looked at my husband alive.

  Julie walked into the room as I left, and I went back to my room. I absolutely hated the fact that I had to disturb Nicole. She was sound asleep holding her son.

  “Nic,” I whispered to her.
“Hey, wake up.”

  She opened her eyes.

  “Baby, go say goodbye to Daddy.”

  She immediately jumped up. Her eyes widened with fear.

  “Go on,” I said. “I’ll sit with Tag.”

  “Don’t you want to be there?”

  “You go. Go on.”

  We exchanged places, and I slipped in bed next to Tag. His body was hot, so hot making it painful and emotionally unbearable to hold him. But I did. I clutched him against me, kissing him constantly as he slept.

  It wasn’t long at all. I knew it was done, it was over, I sensed it and then I heard the crying, the “Daddy.” coming from Julie.

  The sobs carried to me. Hearing them, I closed my eyes tighter and scooted closer to Tag. Their father was gone, my husband, I felt and heard their grief.

  In my mind, quietly and privately, from the other room, I held on to Tag and said goodbye to my husband.

  THIRTY-THREE - CHOICE

  We watched Reverend Ray drive by just as we tossed the last of the dirt over Jeff in a shallow grave under the increasingly growing red sky. Josh wiped the sweat from his brow. He was at the end. Could he push forward? I didn’t know. Julie had calmed down but was on edge, and Nicole stayed inside with Tag.

  Jeff’s farewell consisted of bringing him outside, and doing what we could to bury him. The heat was increasing by the minute.

  It wouldn’t matter. In two days time, Falcon’s Way would be a burnt wasteland.

  Jeff and everything else we loved would be ashes.

  I appreciated all that Josh had done. He paused to watch Reverend Ray drive until he was completely out of sight. I knew he was the last one. Other than us, no one remained. Josh had made a sweep of the town.

  We were the last.

  I knew, with death all around us, it was time for me to make a decision on life. That was reiterated when Sam pulled me aside and told me, “Tess, we’re out of time.”

  <><><><>

  My decision had been made.

  “Mommy, no.” Julie argued with me. “No.”

  For the first time I could truly recall, I was flexing my matriarchal muscles. I ignored her pleas in the kitchen and faced Josh. “Finish taking everything out. Don’t forget the wagon. For each second we waste, is a second we can change our minds.”