By Way of Autumn Read online

  “Yes, Ma’am.” Josh replied.

  “Tess, listen,” Sam said. “We can wait. I want to wait.”

  “Wait?” I questioned with a hint of sarcasm. “That’s morbid. What are we gonna do, sit around, wait for Tag to pass, pack on up and caravan away. That’s not gonna happen.”

  “There’s the last transport…”

  “Last. Keyword.” I held up my finger. “There isn’t enough gas to get to Phoenix or Glendale, that’s a lot of walking. We can’t take the chance on not making the last transport. The last transport cannot be the goal it has to be the backup plan. We waited too long. It’s time to go. We make the goodbye quick.”

  “Mommy, please,” Julie pleaded.

  “I love you, baby, I love you so much.” I laid my hand on her face. “That’s why we are doing this. It’ll be okay. It will.”

  Julie who rarely cried was sobbing. I attributed a lot of that to the overwhelming sadness she was feeling over her father.

  She did not realize that Jeff would be pissed at me if I didn’t do everything I could to make sure his children lived. I was implementing the plan to do just that.

  “Finish helping Josh,” I told Julie. “When you’re done, then we say our goodbyes. Sam?” I held my hand out to him. “Come with me to tell Nicole.”

  <><><><>

  Nicole was still in the same spot, sitting next to the bed. Her hands cupped over Tag’s, her face close to his.

  She must have heard us walk in. She didn’t look, only said, “He hasn’t opened his eyes since this morning.”

  “He’s fighting it,” I said, walking up to her. “His body is just fighting.”

  “Am I a terrible mother?” she asked.

  “No, God, why would you ask that?”

  “Aside from the fact that I missed a lot of his life…am I terrible mother because I resolved to myself that no miracle, no amount of hoping and praying is going to save my son. I’m losing him.”

  I lowered my head. “It doesn’t make you terrible. It makes you realistic. I envy you.”

  “Marmie, I keep telling myself, he’s sick. He’s sleeping so he’s not feeling it. He’s being spared the hard life we all have to face. Am I wrong? Am I telling myself that to make it feel okay?”

  Sam spoke up. “You tell yourself whatever you need to tell yourself. You hear? I found myself last night being so thankful my wife passed away and didn’t have to face this. Whatever it takes, you do.”

  I sat on the bed at Tag’s feet, facing Nicole as my hand rested on his legs. “Nicole, listen to me.”

  She lifted her eyes.

  “You know I love Tag more than life itself,” I said. “You know I love you and Julie just as much. Daddy, the baby, Tag, this world sadly is going to go on without them. You and Julie need to be part of that world. You are the future. What I am going to tell you is going to be hard. But listen to me fully.”

  “Go on.”

  I placed my hand on hers. “Baby, we’re out of time. I know we all want to stay with Tag, but we run the chance that if we do, we miss the transport and any chance of surviving.”

  “I don’t care.”

  “I do.” My voice cracked. “I want you to take this moment, hold him, tell him you love him, then you need to go.”

  “No.” She blasted me emotionally. “What? Are you insane? I am not leaving him. I am not leaving him here to die alone.”

  “He’s not gonna be alone.”

  Nicole stared at me.

  “I will be here with him. I will stay until the very end. I will hold him, and not let go.”

  She swiped her hand across her face. “If anyone stays. I do.”

  “If you stay, you will die.”

  “He’s my child!”

  “And you are mine! Julie is my child. I already lost one in this world; please don’t make me face losing another. Tag will live on as long as you are there to carry his memory with you.”

  “Why don’t we take him? Just bring him with us. Some of the transports are taking the ill.”

  “Is that fair to Tag?” I lowered my face to hers. “This is breaking my heart. It is killing me. But is it fair to him to take him with us, carry him when we have to walk? Is it fair to him to leave this earth from the back of a truck or the side of the road? Instead of here, right here, surrounded by everything he knew and loved. If we leave and bring him, who is that for? Him? It’s for us. So why do it?”

  Clenching her fist, Nicole cried her words. “One more moment. One last moment. I want it all. I want every second I can.”

  “I know you do. You deserve it. But he and your father deserve to have you live on.”

  “What about you, Marmie?”

  “Knowing you and Julie will be all right is what I want. Besides, someone has to keep your father in line.” I sniffled. “Think about this, Nicole. I know this is hard. Think about it. There’s a little boy out there that lost it all. He needs a strong mother now. It doesn’t replace Tag. But it gives you a purpose. It also doesn’t make you wrong for leaving, it makes you right for living.” I planted my lips to the top of her head and stood. “Take your moment.”

  In the silence of the room, I grabbed Sam’s hand and we walked from the bedroom.

  Walked away listening to the sounds of Nicole weeping.

  It would not have surprised me in the least if Nicole changed her mind at the last second and said that she was staying behind. I was mentally prepared for that. If she did, I would say my goodbyes to the both of them, and as heartbreaking as it would be, I’d have to leave. There was no way I could leave Julie alone in this world without any family.

  I wanted Nicole with her. They were both young and strong enough to carry on in life.

  After giving Josh my instructions to take care of Julie and Liam, my daughter held tight to me. Her arms wrapped around my waist, her head to my chest and she squeezed.

  “Don’t stay behind, please,” Julie begged. “Please. I love you. Please.”

  “I don’t want to leave Tag. He’s too weak to go. And Nicole … and you will be just fine.”

  She shook her head.

  “Listen to me,” I lifted her chin. “I need you to live. I need you to live a long life.” I sniffed in hard. “Statistically speaking…”

  Julie quickly glanced up at me.

  I had thrown her own stock phrase at her.

  “You have a better shot at life than I do. I’m sick, Julie, the baby, the loss, it took a toll on me. Just go and you look back once, when you are safely out of town.”

  “I can’t.”

  “You will.”

  I was trying to be strong, I really was. Holding on to her, projecting that I was brave, when in actuality, I was scared to death. Scared of what would happen, sad that my daughter was going to be without her parents. After our long embrace, she slipped by me to say her own goodbyes to Tag. He had been such a part of our lives, every single day since Nicole was incarcerated.

  Josh approached while everyone was in the room with Tag.

  “We’re ready,” he said. “Truck is ready to go. We should hit walking distance by nightfall.”

  “You have the flashlights and radio?”

  “I do.”

  I stepped to him and embraced him. “Thank you. I hope you find your family.”

  “I’m sure they caught a transport.”

  Julie came back out of the room and grabbed on to me again.

  She repeatedly told me she loved me. I knew this, it hurt to hear. It killed me to know how much it was going to pain her. It’s what had to be done.

  “Sweetie, did you take all the pictures?”

  “I did.”

  “Go. I love you. Go now.” I raised my eyes to Josh. “Take her.”

  Julie wouldn’t let go of me.

  “Come on, Julie,” Josh beckoned. “Let’s go.”

  “No, it’s my mother. No.”

  I closed my eyes tightly. Grabbing her arms from around my neck, ‘be strong for me, please.
” Cupping her face in my hands, I kissed her one last time.

  She slipped from my final touch and never took her eyes from me as Josh moved her down the hall. Once she was out of sight, I walked into my bedroom.

  Of all the rooms in the house, that one was the most evident of what was happening in the world. It had the prettiest orange glow about it.

  Sam was in front of the window. He had placed a small air conditioning unit in there. He stood and turned around. “Generator will run for a few hours. Two more gas cans there for you,” he said. “It’ll make things tolerable for you both.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Don’t know how long it will work with the heat rising.”

  “I know.”

  He walked up to me, grabbed my hands and placed a set of keys in it.

  “Sam?”

  “My car is in the port. Ten gallons are in the trunk, extra gas. A few bottles of water. Ignition is a bitch. For some unknown reason you have to hit it three times before she’ll start. Always called it my poor man’s car alarm.”

  “Sam why are you giving me your keys?”

  “In case, you know, you change your mind and there’s still time.”

  “I won’t change my mind, but thank you.” I placed the keys on the nightstand. “I’m staying behind for a reason.”

  “You never know, maybe that reason is your supposed to wait for a miracle.”

  I wanted to scoff at that, but I didn’t. Sam was a good man and was serious about what he was saying. His goodbye to Tag at that second was brief. He had done a longer one earlier. He embraced me and headed to the door.

  “Thank you for taking care of my family,” I said. “Thank you so much.”

  “We’re all family now, Tess. We’re all family and it is my honor and privilege.”

  Then…I looked at Sam one last time before he disappeared from that doorframe.

  The final moment.

  Nicole stood slowly, bringing the sheet over Tag. “You’ll need this. It’s gonna get cold, baby,” she said, then kissed him again. “Mommy loves you so much.” Then she grasped onto me and held me. “I love you, Marmie.”

  “I love you, too.”

  “Tell him...tell him every second you can how much we love him. Okay? Please.”

  “I will. I promise. He will know.”

  Saying goodbye while knowing there would never be a reunion was a difficult and awkward thing to do. We didn’t want to let go, yet knew it had to be done.

  She stole one more moment with Tag, and then looked back to me as she stood in the doorway. Her eyes glanced to her son. “Goodbye my precious one.”

  Head lowered, Nicole walked out.

  I heard the sound of her running from the house. I suppose so she wouldn’t change her mind. From the bedroom window, I watched for as long as I could as they drove away. Then I fired up the generator, put the small window unit on cool, and sat on the bed next to Tag.

  We were alone. Not even the hum of the air conditioning and generator could cover up the feel of empty in the house.

  It permeated the air reiterating that the world had moved forward. By choice, Tag and I were now alone in that part of the country, alone, isolated to face the inevitable end.

  THIRTY-FOUR – STORY

  I had become quite proficient in changing Tag’s IV bag. I firmly believed that constant, slow flowing of liquid was the reason he was still alive. There were only two bags remaining. Unfortunately, they wouldn’t get us through the next twenty-four hours. Though I highly doubted, we would be around.

  It was all too reminiscent, in a bigger way of course, of the wild fire seasons back when Jeff and I lived closer to the coast. During the season the fires would burn in the hills a distance from our home. Slowly and surely they made their way closer as firefighters and volunteers gave their all to battle the blaze and neighbors tried with diligence to save their homes by watering the roofs.

  When the wildfires would close in and evacuation orders arrived. When a mere day or two separated you from the flames, there was a smell of ‘burning’ that lingered in the air as the temperature increased. One time, Jeff and I stayed longer at our home than we should have. It was hot and the entire horizon was nothing but a huge orange wall of fire.

  I imagined on a grander scale, the devastation that would roll through Falcon’s Way.

  The sun set, I was certain, but it was hard to tell because the fires lit up the sky. It was close. Too close. Peering out Julie’s window gave me the western vantage point and the ability to see the orange sky. It was red the evening before and even more so as we lived that last night.

  I was getting tired and I sipped on a bottle of water. I remembered Sam telling me that radiation levels would rise, but it didn’t matter to me.

  I lost the baby, my husband, and was on the verge of losing Tag. I was there when he took his first breath and sadly I would be there when he took his last. The only saving grace for me was that I would not feel the horrendous sadness for very long. Death would consume me and take away all the pain.

  Perhaps it was selfish of me not to want to live. But I didn’t. I honestly didn’t know if I was strong enough to carry on with the pain from the losses.

  I had dampened a cloth and just finished wiping down Tag, when surprisingly, he opened his eyes. I lay on my side, facing him as he looked at me. The whites of his eyes were red, his little lips puffy and he exuded an aroma of fever.

  Taking the cloth I moistened his lips as he watched me.

  “I love you,” I told him.

  “Love you.” He puckered as he swallowed. “My throat hurts.”

  “I know.”

  “I’m cold.”

  “It’s the fever.” The small air conditioner had given a bit of relief and enough that I had to pull the blanket up over him. “Better?”

  He nodded and inched my way, I pulled him closer to me, kissing him, and tensing up inside when I felt how hot his skin was.

  “Tell me a story, Marmie.”

  How many times had he said that to me? Hearing him say it broke my heart because I wouldn’t hear him say it again.

  Tell me a story, Marmie.

  I pulled him as close as I could to me, cuddling and holding him.

  Tell me a story, Marmie.

  A story. A story about beautiful things. Sunrises and songs. A mother who loved him so much and a family that adored him more than life itself. I would tell him about the joy he brought and the life ahead, a great life with every wish he ever had, coming true.

  Tell me a story, Marmie.

  I would.

  I would tell him one for as long as I could, and as long as he listened. I would tell him a story, the last story, I would ever share with Tag.

  THIRTY-FIVE – THREE TIMES

  July 17

  I fought to stay awake, hold Tag, listen to him breathe, but my exhaustion took over and sleep happened whether I wanted it to or not. After a few hours, three things caused me to wake up. The bright red color in the room, the heat against my eyes and the sudden silence from the defunct air conditioning unit.

  I shifted my eyes to the window and saw the brightness out there. It wouldn’t be long.

  Then as I came to, I felt it.

  There was no heat emanating from Tag. No scorching skin. He was cool.

  No.

  My heart sunk and daggers of pain shot through every fiber in my body.

  I didn’t want to fall asleep, I had wanted to be awake, to hear that last breath, and be there as he left this earth. My being was crushed. I had failed myself and Tag. I wanted to scream. In my agony, I grabbed for him, pulling him closer and into my body. Squeezing him with every emotion I had.

  Death could not come soon enough for me.

  I had lost what I believed the final breath that held me to life.

  Tag.

  “Marmie, you’re squishing me,” the tiny voice peeped out.

  Was I imagining it? Hearing things?

  Instantaneousl
y, I lost my breath pulled back and looked. Tag’s eyes were open. He blinked. My hands ran about his face, then neck and arms.

  He was cool.

  His fever had broken.

  He had either beat the flu or never had it. Either way, I looked at the window and realized a mistake had been made. A huge mistake and I had to change it.

  A huge sense of urgency hit me, and with an “Oh my God,” of gratefulness, I kissed him, sat up, swung my legs out of bed and put on my shoes. I stood, racing over to the corner where I had thrown his clothes two days earlier, stuck his shirt in my back pocket and grabbed his shoes.

  “Marmie?”

  My hands shook as I put them on sloppily.

  After, I lifted his arm and carefully, but quickly pulled the IV from him, and wrapped the cloth I used to wipe him down, around his arm.

  “What’s happening?” he asked.

  I didn’t answer. I didn’t have time to answer. I’m sure he was confused, and I would explain things to him later. I swept him up into my arms, told him to hold tight, and with one swift motion, I turned and swept those keys, Sam had left, from the nightstand and bolted from the bedroom.

  I had wished for death to come, now I begged it to stay away. Keep away.

  Give us a chance.

  I took nothing else but Tag from the house and paused only a second on the porch to look at the sky. The flames in the distance were evident and close. The swirling orange blasted waves of heat at us. It was a good thing I put on my shoes, because everything was hot to the touch. I could feel the heat coming from the pavement as I rushed across the street to Sam’s.

  Sure enough his car was parked in the carport front end out and ready to go.

  It was unlocked and I opened the passenger’s door. There was a box on the seat and I knocked it to the floor, spilling the bottles of water and other contents. I set Tag in the seat and forgoing the belt I closed the door.

  I rushed to get in the driver’s side. My hands trembled so badly I couldn’t get the key in the ignition of the old car.